It’s been a quiet transfer window, all things considered, with even the worst internet attention-seekers refusing to don their yellow ties and take a day off school for its final day, their mum’s toy spaceship left idling in a shoebox under the bed. But there might yet be some action – not like that, how dare you – so let’s dive in.

Crystal Palace are enduring a miserable season, rapidly slipping down the table and now in danger of relegation, the perfect example of how to

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